Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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