I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I have feelings that need drinking.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
