My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
