I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
