I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
