He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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