Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
