I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
