It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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