our cab driver is having phone sex.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
