Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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