so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
