when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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