Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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