are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
