Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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