so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
