so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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