Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
