yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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