she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
