dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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