your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
