I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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