if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
