I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
