dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
