i permit you to call me
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
