omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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