I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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