Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You took a bar mat shot.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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