My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
