my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
