You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
