Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
