i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
