saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
