I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
