I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
