I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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