I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
