I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
