Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
