dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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