grandma shit on top of the toilet
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
