this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
