So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
