i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
