I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
