Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
